the things i've learned...

since you're gone...

i am worth knowing.
i saw me in you, two arachnids, the same.
i saw the needing me, i saw the connecting me, i saw your "resonate with others" in an attempt to be known, you even said to me, that first night, " i connect with lots of guys this way" RED FLAG.

i've learned that i was not so special, that i was just another, maybe another to you but ANOTHER to me.
i learned... from you. THANKS!

i saw you "act out" to be known.
i saw you fill your life with all those things and people that you think will know you but that in the end leave you wanting. those young things, those rich things those meaningless things.

i learned that i am capable of knowing
i learned that I am capable of seeing behind the facade
i learned that i am strong enough to choose what i wanted

i saw me from 6 years ago in you.
i saw the me, the less evolved me, the pain, the hurt, the lone line.
i saw you, reaching out from behind your eyes in the end, calling me to stay.
i saw you, behind the cool, behind the money, behind the brilliance that you shared with me, i saw the real you.

i wonder if you sit alone thinking that you've been caught.
i wonder if you know that i know you.
i wonder if you think about that.
i wonder if you think, god i fucked this up.
i wonder if you even realize that.

i believe that you do.
i believe that you see and know and feel.
i believe that you know.

will you ever call me?
will you ever realize and feel secure enough that i would hold you and care about you?
will you ever put your pride aside?
will you ever just let someone love you?

i had to learn it, it doesn't come naturally for us arachnids, we entice and charm and then sting... out of our own scared insecure places we instinctively lash out at those nearest to us.

do you know how amazing i thought you were?
do you know how amazing i think you can be?
do you care?